This has been a long time coming, and I’ve moved on from the feelings I had for my son’s dad a long time ago, but until I move on from the way he treated me and makes me feel about myself as a mother a woman and a person in general I know I can’t ever truly move on to the happiness I deserve. I know that I will never understand why things happened the way they did, or why he couldn’t appreciate the things I have done and am currently doing, but August 19th is my single mom-iversary and Starting on the first, I am no longer going to identify myself as a single mom.
The reason behind this is a personal decision, I am still single (obviously LOL) and still a mother, but I want to be more. I want to be a role model and I want to be free of the feelings that come with bitter “baby daddies”. I want to go into my last semester of school as a woman that has grown and changed and faced the impossible and came out on top. My happiness is me winning. Being the beautiful and happy person I used to be before I let bad guys change me and take away the part of me that I loved the most.
I’m not going to say that I’m going to be happy every day, or that I won’t still complain or make fun of him bc what’s the use of having an ignorant bd if you can’t laugh at him with 1,000 of your closest friends?! I really did let myself go emotionally and physically after my son was born and I don’t want to stay this way because I am not happy. I am about to move out on my own, have my degree and the life I thought I’d have before I got pregnant, just a little different and backwards. Happiness doesn’t always come, sometimes it is created.
The best thing I’ve learned is to expect people to do the unexpected. People called me pathetic and laughed at me, but there is nothing pathetic about what I’ve done. I’m finishing school two semesters earlier than I was told when I was pregnant, next is living on my own, and the most important is never letting bd win. I have to learn to trust in myself more. To know that I have survived the one thing I always thought I couldn’t do; being a single mom. I fought for my help and for my son, I’ve learned to stand up and stop being a doormat for my son’s father and his family, and through it all I have developed a bond with my son that can’t be broken or matched with anyone else. I have made mistakes, and messed up, but I’ve learned from them and that the past in the past. I have been empowered by my being a single mother for the past year, I know what I’m capable of by myself, I can’t imagine what I and my son will be capable of when our puzzle is finally completed by someone equally as strong and dedicated to us full time and because they want to.
My son and his father have changed my life, my boy for being who he is and bd for who he is not. I see the way my son looks at me like I am his hero, like the sun shines out of my ass even when I’m wearing the same sweatpants I’ve had on for 3 days. I see him look to me for approval when he does something new, he looks for my smile and my hug when he is hurt or sad. His strength is a direct result of mine, and that’s what I need to have in a partner. My son has shown me the way you’re supposed to love. Without expecting anything back and without blame. I see so much of myself in him it’s insane. This past year I have grown so much, and miraculously never went to jail (LOL) but the time has come to not only live for my son but to live for me too.
My boy is my soulmate, he is my other half, but somewhere out there lives the other third of us. I can be powerful by myself, I can’t fabulous and happy, but I will not feel like our puzzle is complete until our family is finally together. I have given up so much of myself for my boy and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but that part of me I gave up is the one thing he needs to learn from me. The things bd tried to take away from me are the things that intimidated him because he couldn’t have them in himself. That’s what my son needs. A weak man can not love a strong woman like me and neither can a boy. I don’t want to be held back from where I want to go or what I want to do because it is intimidating, I can not settle for someone that doesn’t see life the way I do. That doesn’t value my son’s future, his future or mine the way I do. Bd will always be my family, but he is the type of family that you push to the side and never speak to or about.
I am still Single Supermama, but I’m not just surviving, I am thriving and climbing to the top with my son by my side. The future of my family is in my hands, but the key is believing in myself. I still cry sometimes, I still lose it sometimes, but like all things those feelings are not permanent. I can’t change my son’s father, I can’t change who he is, but I can make sure I end up with someone that’s an amazing influence on my boy so that I don’t have to worry what he will be like or that he will be like his donor. I don’t want to be saved. I’m pretty sure I saved myself when I decided it was time for me to be me and not who bd wants me to be. I’ve said it before, but I mean it this time, this is me moving on and taking what I deserve instead of waiting for it to come to me.
Whenever I get weak remind me of this post, and that I am priceless, and fabulous like Beyonce (LOL), I promise I will do the same for you.