For a really long time, I was just plain mad. I’m not even sure I knew why anymore, and I definitely was not about to admit that I was. In all honesty, I’m still unsure BUT here’s what I do know–I’m over it. When I used to look back and see everything I had gone through with my son’s dad, I was pissed and sad and hurt but now I look back to remember what I learned from it. Every experience with him has given me the right experience to deal with other things and other people and I actually am thankful for that. As much as I want to punch him, I learned my biggest lesson so far from thinking I loved him and that he loved me.
Even when its over, love does not do the things either of us did to each other. If we loved each other, first our “relationship” wouldn’t have been as tumultuous as it was, and it wouldn’t be as negative as it is now. I know now that I can’t ever learn to love another human by hating him because what I feel for him (mostly cartoon-like murderous thoughts–like that coyote and roadrunner) radiates from my body. Instead of looking happy and beautiful I looked miserable and sad, there was a dark cloud over me that I couldn’t get rid of because no matter how “healed” I was, I was still mad as hell. Now, I’m not saying that I’m not still a little pissed, because I am, but that feeling is few and far between because I’ve come to terms with the fact that he is a complete a-hole to me.
I know that I can not speak to people that make me feel badly about myself, because after a while I start to believe it–so instead, I surround myself with people that radiate love. The people I follow on twitter aren’t just single moms because I can stand to learn from many other people. The wives, fiances, married moms, single moms that have married, single dads, married dads, stay at home moms and dads, businesswomen, authors, bloggers, anons, personals, all people that I have created a network for myself with so that I can learn from people where I want to be, relate to those where I am, and understand people I have never come across before. Instead of the typical chick-lit I used to read that causes us to believe every crappy situation will end in a fairy tale if you stick with it, I started reading the classics–anything to put me back in the real world. I used to think that life just is what it is, you get what you’re handed and you deal with it, but life really is what you make it.
Something I have learned about myself over the past year is that I am an alpha female, but I learned to be otherwise because I didn’t trust in myself enough to voice my opinion and run my own life. I remember in high school when people used to tell me that I was intimidating and I didn’t understand why, and in college I lost that. My journey to where I was didn’t just start with having a child–I opened the door to the things bd brought in my life when I lost my confidence and self respect in college. In high school, people knew not to attempt casual sex with me, they knew not to ask me to get drunk or high because I didn’t do those things and it was obvious. When I got to college that all changed; I was used to being on top, and I couldn’t quite find myself once I was at the bottom again. Many of the negative things that come into your life are things you allowed or invited in. I let sorority girls laugh at me and call me things like “pathetic” because they saw weakness and that’s what girls do when they are actually insecure themselves.
That brings me to another point–the difference between a girl and a woman. Those that talk about you and are constantly trying to make you feel badly about your life or yourself are not women. I remember so many girls at school and where I live used to comment on me and my situation all the time when they had no idea what went on in reality (most of them are now single moms as well), a girl sees a guy with a cute baby posting statuses and tweeting and automatically assumes he’s being honest when he says he’s “not allowed” to see his child. A woman knows that a true man doesn’t ever let his child go without no matter how he feels about the mother of his child. There were girls that heard the things bd said to me about our son, about how he didn’t have to help and wasn’t going to, about how he was too busy to see him, and they didn’t care. But flash forward to this year when bd’s girlfriend was posting on her ig calling my son her boy and all that and so many people came to me and apologized for the way they acted. So many women recognized the way they would feel if someone did that to them, and men recognized the way they would feel if someone did that to their mother and actually came to me and said they were praying for us. Women don’t put other women down–they uplift them.
Instead of just trying to find friends, I cut off anyone that still respected bd after all that, I cut off people that don’t act like adults, I cut off people that make me feel like I can’t be who I am. Those that are intimidated and want to bring you down to their level? There is absolutely no place for them in a happy life. So what’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned from procreating with a jerk? You can not change someone that doesn’t want to change. No matter how much you love them or show them you appreciate them, they will always be a jerk until they see it in themselves and decide to change it. In most cases, the jerk/deadbeat you had a child with already was one before you had a child with them. Now I am more selective and careful about who I entertain, whether it’s a friend or a love interest, because there is no room for any more jerks in my bubble.