The Birthday Argument

All the “headway” we made the other day is moot. I have a serious question and I truly hope someone answers it. Do mothers in joint custody type situations not deserve to have special days or things they want the same way fathers do?

No matter what, when there is something I want it is me being selfish or petty or keeping his dad away and not that I may just want something for myself for once. Is it really my job to sacrifice for my son’s father’s wants even though we no longer have that type of relationship? I’m pretty sure the answer is no but I want to be sure. The fight has started over my son’s birthday and I feel like it’s selfish of my son’s dad to believe I would ever send him elsewhere on the day I brought him into this world holding my mother’s hand. That day is more special to me than it ever will be to anyone else–including my son. To me, my child’s birthday is the true mother’s day. It’s the day I became a mother. It shouldn’t matter if his dad likes me or not, it should matter that it’s special to me. Something. For once. It’s bad enough I have to share his holidays (even the ones that mean something to me and not his father), it’s bad enough I have to send him away but his father isn’t required to pay his child support. Or to do his time. It’s only required for me to leave his time open for him to take. Everything is an option for dads, apparently including being a dick and making a mom feel badly for wanting one thing to herself.

Isn’t it weird how a simple request of a mother that sees and knows everything going on still turns her into a three headed dragon that’s not allowing a “man” to be involved with his child? I want to share that day with my son. I want a tradition that his father can not disrupt out of spite. That’s our special day. Do I feel like his father should be allowed to see him on that day? Yes. But will there ever be a year I wake up on my son’s birthday and feel okay with him spending it with someone that really don’t want to be involved with him in the first place? Fuck no. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. (actually I don’t.)

The point of all of this is to ask–why is it so bad for a mother to choose to look out for herself in a situation like this? If I let him, he will take as many days as possible and only use some of them. Or only use them sometimes. I am supposed to be flexible for when he just decides to be busy and not come or for when he decides to be a “dad” and try to make me look like shit. It’s not fair and it honestly isn’t right, but my time with my son and our moments are just as important (if not more important) than his.

I should be able to have my moments, too. Ones that I can enjoy, and not just raise a child and do all the hard work for his dad to enjoy all the sweet moments. It’s not fair for anyone to assume any mother would be okay with that.

Isn’t it weird how the things that are important to bd are things he “has” to fight for, but things that are important to me are things I’m being selfish about?


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